How To Be A Video Game Character
by DarkAlliGator
Summary: So, you think you've got the skills and knowledge to be a character in a video game? Read on, and find out what type of character you should be, Hero, Villian, Princess... we have job descriptions for all these and more!
1. The Hero

The Hero

So, you think you'd be good as the main character of a video game? Sorry, but it's not that easy. No, really, it's not. You can't have just anyone as the main character! Take a look at the requirements below to see if you're eligible to be the hero.

Essentials

You _must _meet all of the requirements below to even stand a chance of becoming main character.

1)You must be willing to rescue people (usually princesses) on a regular basis. No matter how annoying you find them and how many times they get kidnapped again straight after you've freed them, they must be rescued. No exceptions, not even Princess Peach, I'm afraid.

2)You must be able to accurately use any kind of weapon, item or special ability on less than a second's notice. And yes, there _is _a reason for this rule. Seriously, what happens if a monster that can only be defeated by a magic vacuum cleaner attacks you and the doors automatically lock so you can't get out until you've killed the monster?

3)You must be ready and willing to fall down a lot of holes. Also, you must have a good scream prepared for when this happens. Actually, it doesn't even have to be a scream. Any form of amusing noise will do.

4)You must have or be at least one of the following: Some kind of special ability, chosen by the Gods/Goddesses or by some form of prophecy or anything similar, a spy, a non-human, a prince/princess, a detective/criminal/anything to do with the law, live in another universe where things are completely different to how they are here, or a completely average and normal teenager whose life has just been turned upside down by some kind of amazing (and probably supernatural) discovery. Oh, and plumbers are also accepted. Why? I have no idea.

5)You must have large pockets for all those items you will have to pick up. And no, you are not allowed a rucksack. You must also try to stop these items from creating bulges in your pockets. How you will manage this, I am not sure. Link knows, ask him. Except he doesn't speak. Bummer. Looks like it's up to you then.

6)You have to be able to hold your breath for an inordinately long amount of time. 2 and a half minutes at the very least. Even better, you must be able to locate an item that allows you to walk underwater without needing to breathe.

7)You must be able to jump extremely high. This skill will be even better regarded if you learn to double jump or wall jump. Preferably both.

8)If you wish to be the main character in a JRPG and are male, you must have extremely big, spiky hair and wield a humungous sword. If you are female, your hair should be an exotic colour e.g. blue.

9)You must be able to defy the laws of physics on a regular basis, either through the use of an item or just due to your own natural ability. Whatever. We're not picky.

10)You must be prepared to eat/drink all sorts of (potentially icky) stuff to restore your health when it is running low.

11)You must be capable of withstanding attacks and events that would be fatal to normal people without dying; only losing a few hit points. For example, if you've just fallen into a pit of spikes just lose a couple of hit points and get out of there while you're still flashing and unable to take damage! And if you fall 10000000 feet, just smash into the ground and lose a couple of hit points. You'll be fine, stop being such a wuss.

12)If you happen to fall into a pit of lava, you should escape using one of these two methods. One, you leap up into the air squealing, giving you a chance to land on the nearest platform. Two, you die and then come back to life. Either method is acceptable.

13)You should have a set amount of hits you can take before you die. This should be displayed clearly in a gauge either at the top of the screen or directly above your head. However, if you only have one hit point this is not necessary, because who wants a hero with only one hit point? No, seriously, just no. Once you have died, you should also be able to come back to life. Even if it is game over, you should still be able to come back to life. Oh yes, and that brings me onto rule #14...

14)You should be prepared to die a lot, in a huge variety of different ways. And yes, I mean a _lot. _

Preferred

Just because you meet all of the requirements above doesn't mean you're automatically accepted into the world of video gaming. No, you need something to stand out from the crowd. Here is a list of additional traits that are looked for in main characters...

1)It would be good if you dressed oddly. For example, only dressing in only one colour is good.

2)It's good to have an unusual name. Really. For example, good names: Ike, PacMan, Phoenix Wright. Bad names: Fred, Bob, Sarah.

3)You should be good at finding stuff, "stuff" being useful items and boss monsters.

4)Y'know, it would _help _if you were good at defeating said boss monsters after you've found them. They usually have some kind of weakness, it would be useful if you were good at spotting that. But if you can't, never mind. After all, you can always come back to life after it's killed you

5)You shouldn't have any romantic relationships throughout the game. I mean, you can hint at them but not actually have them. But really. Who'd waste time kissing people when you could be smashing up monsters? Not me, that's for sure. However, at the end of the game when you've smashed up all said monsters, then you _might _be able to have a short romantic scene. Maybe.

6)It's good if you have something that people just associate with you. For example, a special type of hat that nobody except you would even dream of wearing, a "different" hairstyle, or some kind of catchphrase (preferably NOT cheesy and annoying). Whatever it is, whenever people see or hear it they should think of you.

7)Come on, there has to be _something _you can use to increase your maximum HP? If in doubt, level up.

8)You have to make some kind of noise whenever you do something! Whether it's a "YAAAHH!" or a "wahoo!" just do something.

Definitely Not's

If any of these apply to you... don't even bother. Seriously. Just don't.

1)You must not have a car. You have to walk everywhere, or use a different method of transport. Other people are allowed them, but not you. Actually, you're allowed to steal cars from other people in some games, but you're not allowed your own. Really, no cars allowed.

2)Under no situation must you ever call reinforcements, no matter how practical it may be. Sure, you may be outnumbered a million to one, but you have to fight them on your own because that's the heroic thing to do. Remember, heroic always beats sensible! The only time reinforcements may be used is when they follow you without you knowing or being able to do anything about it.

3)You must never suspect anyone of lying to you. This does not mean you have to be stupid, just naïve. And even if it's blatantly obvious, you must always act shocked when they reveal that they've been lying.

4)Never, under any circumstances, trust your sidekick. They are almost always out to get you! Especially if they interrupt you every three seconds with "hey, listen!" (OK, maybe this rule isn't strictly true, but come on! Navi _has_ to be up to something!)

5)Never try to come up with a complex plan of action. Although this sounds like a good thing to do, it more often than not results in your untimely demise (I learnt this the hard way. You'd think using complex plans in battle strategy games would be a good idea, but no. Just no). Remember, in video games, everything is as it appears. Basically, keep smashing your way through enemies until you get somewhere. Works every time. Oh, and if in doubt, attack it. Unless it looks explosive, in which case that may not be the best idea.

6)You must not be scared of being swarmed by monsters, zombies, or people with weapons. If you are, this really, really won't work.

So, do you still think you have what it takes to be the main character? It takes a lot out of you, but when you finally complete the game the results are worth it!

*Small Print*

That is, if you don't die first. And when I say "worth it", do you really think credits are worth it? _Really?_


	2. The Baddie

The Baddie

Thinking that maybe the hero isn't for you? Looking for a part on the bad side? Sick of all the goodie goodies winning all the time? Look no further. Here is your complete guide about how to be the ultimate bad guy.

Essentials

OK, you need these to even think about being a baddie.

1)You _need_, and I cannot stress the word _need _enough, evil minions who would be happy to battle the hero for you. And you need lots of them. They don't even have to be particularly strong, just make sure there are enough of them to be at least a nuisance to the hero. And the best thing is to place them in inconvenient places, for example place something that will knock the hero into a hole when he/she tries to walk past it. Mwa ha ha.

2)You also need access to several castles, dungeons or one large castle with several different themed zones in it that the hero has to get through to find you. Except it won't be you there, it will be a boss monster pretty much every time except the final showdown, in which you will battle the hero in person (dun dun duuuun!) And win, of course. Yeah, sure.

3)You need traps to place in said dungeon. This will keep the hero busy, and hopefully kill them while they're at it.

4)I hate to say it, but you need a weak spot. This can be anything, from a gap in the shell that covers your body to an attack that the hero can reflect back at you. I mean, even though you're bad you have to play fair. You have the awesome attacks, you just don't have awesome defence.

5)You need have a super-special-awesome-mega-massive attack to face the hero with. Seriously, with all their tricky little items and secret techniques you're going to need it! Just try and make sure they don't reflect it back at you somehow.

6)You need an evil speech to start the final battle off with, but don't worry about this too much. It'll probably be a while until the hero makes his/her way through all your dungeons and traps, so you can spend that time writing your speech. In this speech you should include a graphical detailed description of exactly how you are going to kill the hero, which you don't actually have to stick to. So what if you said you were going to remove their limbs one by one but end up impaling them instead? It all has the same results. Just think up something painful sounding. And again, I hate to say it but you need a speech just in case you get defeated. I know you won't, but it always pays to be prepared. This one doesn't need to be so impressive, in fact something along the lines of "no... how could a puny worm like you beat me?" will do.

7)You have to be good at kidnapping people. Preferably princesses, but anyone will do if it comes down to it. But actually, it's not that difficult as the hero is usually no good at stopping you from kidnapping anyone. You could even kidnap the hero if you want, but I wouldn't recommend this as no matter how securely you imprison them, they usually always escape, kill or avoid your guards and then come for you before you're ready. The nerve.

8)I'm afraid that as well as traps, you also have to leave useful items around your dungeons. Feed your monsters money, and leave random chests containing vital items lying around the place. It may seem stupid, but it has to be done. After all, how else will the hero be able to confront you for the final battle? You must make it possible for the hero to get through your dungeons. Yes, all of them, even your final hideout.

9)You have to be good at pretending to die. If the hero beats you once, you then pretend to die and whilst they are celebrating their victory "come back to life" and act very, very angry. This will make it harder for them to get their attacks in. After you have "died", you may also gain an extra type of attack or even morph into another shape. This will give you an advantage, but be careful as those tricky little heroes will undoubtedly find a way to use it against you. Honestly. Heroes are a pain in the neck.

10)Like the hero, you also need to be able to disobey the laws of physics. For example, you should be able to do things like jump 100 metres straight up into the air and land on them. And of course...

11)YOU NEED AN EVIL LAUGH!

Preferred

OK, so that's what you need if you even want a chance of being a bad guy. You don't need the things listed below, but they would be very useful if you want to be a successful bad guy.

1)Unless you are a (human) evil genius, you should be ugly. Really, really ugly. If you're not human, go the whole hog with spikes and blood and fire, whatever you want. If you are human, huge scars down the face would be a good idea. Just look as dangerous as possible. However, if you are a human evil genius, then the opposite applies. You must be extremely hot. As in, so hot you have a whole legion of fangirls/fanboys. And if you're an evil genius, you also have to be extremely evil. Even more evil than normal baddies, if that's possible.

2)Your official hideout should have some kind of protection to force the hero to go through all the other castles and dungeons before they can get to you. Otherwise they could just walk straight into your castle without bothering to do the rest. Oh yeah, and they should be placed in such a way that the hero has to go through them in a specific order, and should increase gradually in difficulty as the hero's skills increase.

3)OK, your official hideout has to look extremely impressive as well as being difficult as hell to navigate (actually, hell is a good idea. You could base your hideout on that, it wouldn't be a bad idea.) Spikes on the walls, pits of molten lava, statues that spit fire or laser beams at the hero and great gaping holes in the floor are good decorations to put in your hideout.

4)As well as the sinister decoration, in all of your castles and dungeons (and in fact across the whole world) you should conceal speakers, through which you should play either sinister and eerie music, or music that is so repetitive and annoying it eventually drives the hero mad. The latter is less dramatic, but probably more effective. You could also combine the two to make a tune that is dramatic yet repetitive and annoying, which is what most existing evil villains tend to do in their hideouts. And believe me, it is _extremely_ effective (except when the player has a "mute" button on their remote control, of course. But you could always sneak into their house and turn the volume up to full, and then destroy the remote control. That would give you A LOT more points on the evil scale.)

5)If your monsters _do_ manage to kill the hero, you should give them strict instructions to move the corpse to outside the castle. This is so that when the hero resurrects, they have the unpleasant task of having to do all that ALL OVER AGAIN! (Which, depending how far they got, can actually be pretty damn harsh!) Mwahahahahaha.

6)If you are planning to kidnap any princesses, you should keep them in a place where the hero can see them throughout the whole battle, but not reach them. Even better, for the first stage of the battle you could possess the princess and make the hero fight her.

7)It would be good if your hideout had a self destruct button. This is so that if the hero beats you then you can bring the castle crashing down around them, and hopefully crush them to death and drag them down with you. And then you can "come back to life" and crush them manually if your hideout failed to do the job for you.

8)If you are a human evil genius, you may have a white cat to stroke sinisterly when the hero enters. And of course, you need a swivel chair as well.

Definitely Not's

Please, if any of these apply to you DO NOT even think about applying for a bad guy position. Please.

1)You must have nothing pink. Nothing. If one of your body parts is pink, I suggest you get it amputated because otherwise you won't stand a chance. Yes, even if it is your head. Think about it, what's scarier? A headless baddy or a pink baddie?

2)You must not be scared of your minions. Because otherwise, it won't work very well. Oh, and you're not allowed to be squeamish either.

3)Apart from the beginning and the odd cutscene partway through, you are not allowed to leave your hideout. You are supposed to sit there in the final room doing something impressive over and over again so that when the hero reaches you you look like you knew they were coming.

4)Anything fluffy is not allowed. Scales, yes. Skin, yes. Fur is alright as long as it is matted by blood or all manky and spiky. Just not fluffy, please.

5)You are not allowed to get emotionally attached to any of your minions. Remember, they are disposable and will probably be killed by the hero at some point.

6)If you get hurt, don't scream. Just don't. Instead, you should just roar or howl or screech insults at the hero or something.

7)You should not have any allergies in case it spoils your dramatic speech. Seriously, how embarrassing would it be if you started sneezing and breaking out in a rash halfway through your speech?

8)You should not, under any circumstances, let the hero know how much HP you have left. This is so that they think you have more than you actually do, and this will dishearten them. Hopefully. Maybe.

9)You must not have a fondness for bunny rabbits or cute little kittens. Or rainbows, or puppies, or flowers... if anything like this enters your castle, you must immediately destroy it and then decontaminate the area with blood or monster slime or something.

10)If a hero starts reflecting your own attacks back at you, you should not stop using this attack. After all, they can't reflect it back all the time, can they? Until it's too late, you should not realise that if you had stopped using that attack, they would not have been able to hurt you. And then you must give a roar of anguish as the realisation hits you that you were invincible except to your own attack and you begin to drown in the bitter irony... etc etc. Say something like this in your losing speech (minus the etc etc, obviously.)

So, does the dark side sound the ideal career for you? If you think you have the skills, I would definitely recommend this rewarding and fun career.

*small print* Rewarding right up until the very end, when it is about 100% certain that you will be killed, due to the fact that the hero can resurrect his/herself and you cannot. So no matter how many times you kill them, they will always come back to life and probably beat you eventually. Sorry.


	3. The Princess

The Princess

Waiting for your bright knight in shining armour to rescue you? Don't wait any longer, apply for a job as the princess in a video game to meet your brave warrior right away! Only thing is, there are a few specifications you must meet first...

Essentials

Every good princess needs these. Because otherwise they aren't a good princess.

1)You should be able to scream well. Otherwise, how will you bring it to the attention of your hero that you're getting kidnapped? It would be a bit of a fail if they didn't notice.

2)You have to wear a dress. I'm not sure why, but hey! All the princesses I've ever seen have worn dresses so that means that you have to as well. Maybe to make you look more feminine and helpless? (Even though most girls are not helpless in the slightest. The one thing that annoys me about video games, the girls are always helpless. WHY?)

3)You should love the hero unconditionally, because that's just how it goes.

4)Of course, you must be a princess. Otherwise you wouldn't make a good princess, pretty obviously. Your kingdom should be some obscure place that nobody who's ever played your game has ever heard of, e.g. the mushroom kingdom. If in doubt, just pretend to be a princess and make up some strange place name. I'm sure most people will believe you. My good princess friend Princess Felania of the Blogosphere assures me that I'm right on this one. What? Yes, of course she's a real princess. Don't be ridiculous. She told me she was a princess, therefore she's a princess.

5)You must always squeal when approached by a monster.

6)You must be extremely dependant on the hero, making sure that they have to do pretty much everything for you. Because you're a princess, and you might get dirty if you did it yourself.

7)When you see the hero come to rescue you, you must yell their name and beat your fists furiously on your prison. Make the most of this, because this is probably the most violent thing you get to do in the whole game.

8)When you are being kidnapped, stare desperately at the hero, silently pleading them to rescue you. They're going to have to rescue you anyway so there's not really much point, but it adds to the drama of the scene.

9)Once the hero has killed the baddie, you should suddenly gain the ability to float down out of your prison to them. Yes, I know this skill would have been more useful while the hero was fighting the baddie, but come on! You might break a nail if you go down while they're fighting.

Preferred

Some of these would be helpful too.

1)Well, I guess it's technically not essential, but usually princesses are girls. I mean, if you're a very gay boy who loves wearing dresses, go for it. But most of the princesses I've heard of are female.

2)Like the hero, it's good to have an unusual name.

3)It'd be good if you were patient. I mean, you're going to have to wait a while whilst the hero battles his/her way through all the traps and monsters until he/she gets to you. You should bring a book or something.

4)You should always retain your perfect appearance, no matter how many bushes you get dragged through.

5)You should have a nice little speech prepared for when the hero rescues you. Something like "thank you... you saved me!" Just state the obvious. They'll lap it up.

6)Long hair. Most princesses have long hair, and you can't go wrong with copying them.

Definitely Not's

Every good princess doesn't have these things.

1)If, sorry, _when _you are kidnapped, you must not fight back. Just scream at the hero to help you, because if you fight back you might escape and then there would be no game for the hero to play! Use your common sense!

2)No escape attempts allowed. Yes, I know the baddie may have left the key just outside the cell door where you could easily reach it, but that's for the hero to pick up, not you. Even if the baddie leaves the cell door wide open, you're not allowed to leave. Just wait for the hero to rescue you.

3) NOT fall in love with the baddie. That would be a fail. Remember that it's the _hero _you're meant to love.

4)u should not have piercings, tattoos, chains or a liking for the colour black. And you should always wear delicate little princess shoes, not huge great big goth boots or something. Come on, common sense here!

5)No matter how damp and dirty the dungeon you are being kept in is, you should not get dirty. Ever. Even if you get knocked over and end up rolling in the dirt, you still mustn't get dirty.

So, does princess sound like the job for you? Do you like the sound of a free holiday in a villain's castle with a hero coming to rescue you at the end? Yes? Well waste no time, apply to be a princess now!

*small print* The "free holiday" might not actually be in a castle. It's more likely to be in some manky old dungeon somewhere, plus if the player is bad you might not get rescued for ages. If I were you, I'd keep a good book on you for when you get kidnapped.


	4. Boss Monster

_OK, people, apparently there's been a few problems with this chapter, so I decided to delete and then reupload it. Also while I'm here I may as well tell you what other character types I'm going to do so you can review me if you think I've missed anything. In the future, I'll be writing chapters for: sidekick, regular monster and shop assistant. Oh yeah, and the last chapter will be an application form so you can apply! :D If you think of any other character types, review and tell me._

Boss Monster

Want a place on the bad side, but don't think you're quite evil, clever or powerful enough for the ultimate baddie? You could always be a boss monster of one of the villains many dungeons! You'll still be bad, and you'll still have your chance to destroy the hero, but you won't have to oversee any complicated operations or make complex plans. Sound like the job for you? Read on...

Essentials

Boss monsters have to have these, because otherwise they'll be a failure. A complete and utter FAIL that even n00bs can beat. And believe me, you do _not _want to get beaten by a n00b. Embarrassing or what?

1) You should be anything but human. The clue is in the name, boss MONSTER. Not boss human, boss MONSTER. Of course, if you're a human you could always undergo some operation that goes horribly wrong and turns you into a hideous monster craving for blood or brains or whatever. They're accepted.

2) Similarly to the baddie, you must have a weak spot or attack that the hero can use against you. Like I said before, even though you're bad you still have to fight fair. Of course, you could completely sacrifice defence and have your whole body vulnerable, but have extremely powerful attacks. The choice is yours.

3) You should stay in one room throughout the whole game. This room must be at the most remote spot of a castle/dungeon so that the hero has to go through the rest of the dungeon to reach you. Also, it must have doors that lock automatically as soon as the hero enters and open as soon as one of you has been killed. There must be no other monsters in the room with you to begin with, only you.

4) When the hero enters your room, instead of attacking them straight away and taking them by surprise like any intelligent creature would, you must first do a display of aggression. For example, you could rear up on your hind legs and let loose a deafening roar. This probably won't scare the hero in the slightest, but it's fun and satisfying. I think. Not that I've ever tried.

5) You must be ugly. Think like the baddie, and try to look as dangerous as possible. However, if you want, to begin with you can be very small and cute. Then, when the hero looks around for the boss monster, confused, you treble in size and grow spikes and fangs and basically turn very, very ugly and very, very dangerous. This is fun, as you get to laugh at the look of shock on the hero's face. However, it's also a lot of effort so most boss monsters don't bother.

6) You must be friggin HUGE! I don't think I've _ever _seen a boss monster less than twice the size of the hero.

7)You must be guarding something that the hero wants. Otherwise, why would they bother fighting you? Or, even if you aren't, you must pretend you are. Then even if you die, you can be happy with the knowledge that they didn't actually get what they were looking for, which is a big comfort. Not that you _will_ die, of course. Hehehehehe...

8) If anything comes into your room, kill it. Even if a smaller monster has got lost and has come to ask directions, it must DIE! This will help you be extra bloodthirsty when the hero comes to visit. (Just so you know, this rule doesn't apply to the baddie. Not that the baddie ever visits his boss monsters anyway, but just in case, don't kill him/her because that would be a fail and all the other monsters would shout at you. Although, being a boss monster you could probably eat them).

9) If you are defeated, you should writhe around for a while and then disappear in a puff of smoke, or start shining and then disappear, dropping the item that the hero was looking for.

Preferred

Not essential, but very helpful if you don't want to get pwned.

1) It would be good if you could spawn smaller monsters while fighting the hero (even if you're male). These should be very weak monsters, but there should be a lot of them. Oh, and they should all have useful items inside them so when the hero kills them he/she can use them against you.

2) An attack that every hero hates is shooting out blobs or spikes or something that, if it doesn't hit the hero, remains on the floor so when they are avoiding your other attacks they walk right into it. Trust me, they are a real pain in the backside for heroes. Especially if you take my advice on preferred #5 as well.

3) You should either be all dark colours, or extremely bright colours. Or a mixture of the two. No in-betweens, either very dark or very bright. Make your decision.

4) Your weak spot should be clearly identified so the hero can find it easily. For example, it should be a different colour to the rest of you, or stick out, or just look plain stupid although if you don't want to get laughed at I wouldn't recommend the latter.

5) It would be good if the room you are in is very annoying for the hero to navigate. For example, you could put lava pits or bottomless holes in the most inconvenient places. Ice on the floor is also very good, because instead of walking the hero will have to skid. Remember though, if you do this, you won't be able to move very much throughout the battle or you will face the same disadvantage as the hero. Combine this with preferred #2 to be extra annoying.

6) If you do decide to spawn smaller monsters, your attacks should not harm them. That would be mean, killing your own baby monsters. Even though you spawn them knowing that the hero will kill them.

Definitely Not's

No, please. Just no.

1) You should NOT talk to the hero, because this might make you look _civilised. _This will _not_ do. Only the baddie is allowed to look even partially civilised. Just roar out a battle cry and smush them into the floor like the interfering worm they are.

2) You should not be very intelligent. When the hero spots your weak point, make no special attempt to defend it.

3) Same rule as applies to the baddie: No pink, no fluff. The hero will laugh at you, and so will everyone else.

4) No squeaking allowed. If you can't roar, it's best not to apply. Come on, what's more scary? A giant boss monster roaring at you or a giant boss monster _squeaking _at you?

5) Your attack must not involve any of the following: Flowers, rainbows, fairy dust, sunshine or cute little fluffy bunny rabbits. Seriously, you have claws and fangs (or at least you _should _do), use them! Why set a cute little bunny on someone when you can tear them to shreds? Trust me, it just doesn't have the same effect.

Sound good? Being a boss monster has all the benefits of being the baddie, except it's a lot less difficult! No complex battle strategy plans, all you have to do is sit in your room and wait. So, sound like the job for you?

*small print* Of course, you'll meet the same fate as the baddie; you are pretty much guaranteed to get killed by the hero. And usually, it's a painful death such as being stabbed in the eye multiple times. And no, you can't resurrect. Sorry.


	5. The Sidekick

Sidekick

Want to assist the hero on his/her quest, but don't want to do the dirty work? Well, no worries. Sidekick is the perfect role for you. Think you're up for it? Have a look.

Essentials

Sidekicks must have these, or nobody will want them.

1) You must do all the talking for the hero. Unless it's a yes/no question, you should also answer all their questions for them. Don't ask me why. I personally have no idea, it's just what happens.

2) You should also have an odd name.

3) The hero should be able to call on you for advice whenever they want. However, you should not give them actual _advice _per se. Just give them a reminder of what they're meant to be doing in case they've forgotten. Heroes are awfully forgetful creatures.

4) If faced with a difficult puzzle, you should say something that will cause the hero to be able to solve the problem. However, you should not bluntly tell them to "do this", you should just express how confusing it is while not realising that you just gave them a vital clue and then applaud their intelligence once they've solved it. Or not.

5) You should always point out important objects, just in case the hero misses them. Even if they are slap bang in the middle of the floor. Then say "why don't you come and look at this," just to make sure.

6) At the end of the game, you will have to say an emotional goodbye to the hero and leave them forever for some reason. Well, maybe not forever. Just make it sound like it's forever. As soon as the cutscene's finished you could just run back to the hero and laugh about how you fooled all those foolish gamers into thinking you were never going to see eachother again. Fools. Of course, dying would also count as an emotional goodbye, but I haven't known many sidekicks to do that. Only a few.

7) If the hero is struggling to find a boss monster's weak spot, you could always give them a hint. Even if you _do _enjoy watching them suffer, remember you are on the GOODIES side. That means you want them to _win. _I know it's fun watching people get blasted by fireballs but remember that you are supposed to be _helping._

8) If in doubt, state the obvious. You'll go far with this simple skill in the world of video games.

9) You must either argue with the hero constantly or obediently go along with every word he/she says. However, if you choose to obediently do what the hero says, if the hero does something stupid you should politely suggest an alternative, rather than telling them straight out their idea's stupid. Actually, on second thoughts...

10) If the hero is doing something completely stupid, you should not tell them. Oh, and don't forget to act surprised when the consequences of those stupid actions comes back to you.

Preferred

Heroes love these things in a sidekick. Pay attention to these, and the heroes will be queuing up to have you as your sidekick. Maybe. Alright, possibly not because to be honest I can't imagine anyone queuing up for a sidekick, no matter how good they sound. But it will still give you an advantage.

1) You should only appear in cutscenes or when the hero wants your help. I have no idea why. I guess it's not as impressive if there's someone running around after the hero all the time. However, you should still be there, just not visible. A popular thing to do is to walk into the hero and disappear. Then, if the hero needs your help you should walk out of them, looking completely natural.

2) Most sidekicks aren't human. Don't know why. Oh, and it would be good if you could fly, so you can fly up and show the hero something they've missed.

3) During the storyline of the game, if you want, your past can be gradually revealed to the hero and you can develop a bond of understanding. Or something.

4) At first, you could be totally uninterested with helping the hero, and only be using him/her for your own dark reasons. However, if you do this then later on in the game you'll have to develop a friendship with them and confess that you were only using them at first, but now you've realised that you really do want to help them.

5) You could be extra useful near to the end of the game, and do something like use an ability to help the hero get through a barrier, leaving yourself totally drained, or fight a monster to give the hero time to get through. Basically do something totally unselfish and self-sacrificing. You can even die if you want to, but for some reason most people don't do that. I wonder why.

6) You should have some kind of secret that is extremely relevant to the plot of the game, which you reveal to the hero when the moment is right. You'll know when the moment is right, because... well... you just will, alright? Stop asking awkward questions. Sidekicks aren't meant to do that.

7) You should be able to do something useful, like teleport the hero to another location or give them a special ability.

8) It would be great if you knew the baddie somehow. Then when the hero finally makes it to the baddie's lair, you can have a threatening conversation with them about old times and how you're gonna kick their ass for what they did to you (they _should _have done something to you, because otherwise why would you bother assisting the hero towards their downfall?) Well, how the _hero's _gonna kick their ass anyway. You don't do ass-kicking. It's not in the job description. And the job description is the law. Don't diss the job description.

Definitely Not's

Anyone with any of these should stop it immediately or else they'll be the world's worst sidekick. I mean it.

1)"Hey! Listen!" Enough said.

2) At first, you shouldn't help the hero out of the goodness of your heart. At first, that is.

3) Don't _ever _tell the hero exactly what to do. They are the main character, not you and they need to figure it out for themselves. You can give them hints that are so obvious you're _almost _telling them what to do, but don't tell them straight off.

4) Don't kill the hero. It's not big and it's not clever. You may hate them, but without them the game cannot be completed. You could _try_ to complete it, buuut...

5) You should not have the necessary skills to kill the baddie on your own, because that's the hero's job. That's the only reason you keep them around.

Does sidekick sound good? The hero may be the one that gets all the glory at the end of it, but being a sidekick is a fun and rewarding career with practically no risk to you whatsoever.

*Small print* To be brutally honest, most people hate sidekicks. There may be one or two that people love, but most of them are so irritating the player wishes they could make the hero kill them. Oh well. You can _pretend _that people like you.


	6. Monster

Monster

Are you a monster seeking employment, but don't think you're quite big, ugly or powerful enough to make a boss monster? Never mind, you could always be a regular monster! Baddies need lots of these, so you're likely to be accepted as long as you meet the basic requirements. There are two main types of monster; strong monsters and weak monsters.

Essentials (Strong and weak monsters)

These apply to both strong and weak monsters, and although we don't ask for much in a monster you should at least have these few basics.

1)Contact with the hero should cause the hero damage. You don't even have to attack them, as soon as you touch them they should lose hitpoints. Not entirely sure how you achieve this, but maybe you could seep invisible acid through your skin or something?

2)There should be millions of other monsters that look just like you, act just like you and attack just like you. Wait, scrub that: You must have millions of clones.

3)You should attack the hero on sight, regardless of how low your HP is. So what if it's suicide, if you pay attention to the next rule you should be fine. And who knows, they might be low on HP themselves and imagine the glory you'll get if you manage to kill them!

4)When, umm, I mean _if _you are killed by the hero, you should respawn in the exact same location you were in before as soon as the hero leaves the area. If you are unable to respawn however, no worries. Just get one of your many clones to fill in for you. However, if you do this then the number of clones you have should be infinite because we can't have a room running out of monsters!

5)You should be prepared to die! The hero is a lot stronger than you, and the only advantage you have over him/her is strength in numbers. And remember: YOU ARE EXPENDABLE. No offence.

6)Ahem, _if _you die you should either just vanish or explode in a puff of smoke... or something. You shouldn't leave your corpse lying around because that would make the villain's castle messy. Baddies hate messy castles.

7)You should have either a ranged attack or a melee attack. Not both, because that would be cheating.

8)You should eat money, potions or other useful items so that if the hero kills you they can get the item.

Essentials (Strong monsters)

If you're a weak monster, you don't need to bother with these. Just skip to the next section.

1)As the name suggests, you must be harder to defeat than weak monsters. This can mean anything, maybe you can only be defeated by using a specific technique or item, maybe you have a strong attack/good defence, or maybe you just have a hell of a lot of HP.

2)To make up for being stronger than weak monsters, there should be less of you depending on how strong you are. The stronger you are, the less of you there should be.

3)As a general rule, you should be bigger than weak monsters and maybe scarier looking?

Essentials (Weak monsters) 

Strong monsters don't need to look at this, so you can move on to the next section.

1)You should have rubbish defence and weak attacks. You should also make no attempt to defend yourself.

2)You should only be able to take a couple of hits from the hero before you die.

3)You should be smaller than the hero. To be completely honest, I don't actually know why.

...

Hey, it's a rule! Just obey it or I won't hire you!

Preferred (Strong and weak monsters)

You know the drill... not essential, but good. There isn't much variation between preferred traits for strong monsters and weak monsters, so there are no separate sections for this one.

1)You could have your own individual attack depending on your species. You know, some species spit rocks, other species bite, some bounce on the hero's head... what! It's true! I know loads of heroes that have been bounced on, and loads of monsters that have bounced on them! Sure, most of those monsters are now dead but...

2)As a general rule, as the hero progresses through the levels there should be less weak monsters and more strong monsters. Or more stronger weak monsters and stronger strong monsters, and less weaker weak monsters and weaker strong monsters. Huh? You don't have a clue what I'm on about? Don't you _get it_? *Sigh.* Come on, isn't it obvious? I mean... ah, on second thoughts, forget it.

3)There's always one. In pretty much every game, there's a monster that _runs away _from the hero instead of trying to kill them. This is to provide the hero with sport hunting them down and also because this monster sometimes has some rare and valuable object. Sometimes.

4)Most monsters resemble some kind of animal, no matter how distantly. OK, so sometimes that resemblance is pretty distant, but it's still there! Honest! Of course, you could always _be _some kind of animal that's gone berserk if you want. They're fun to kill... I mean useful for the baddie. Actually, some monsters resemble plants now I think about it. Or fungi. *CoughcoughGOOMBAScoughcough*

Definitely Not's (Strong and weak monsters)

I'm afraid if any of these apply to you, you're not a very good monster. In fact, you're RUBBISH!

1)You shouldn't be clever. Clever monsters are bad for both the hero and villain, because it a) makes them harder to defeat and b) they might plot a rebellion and kill the villain and the hero and the princess and the sidekick and all the other monsters and take over the world and eat everyone and... well, just trust me. It's a bad idea.

2)Your attacks shouldn't harm other monsters. Be nice. There are loads of you, and you're all gonna be swarming all over the hero. It won't be any good if you try to attack the hero and end up killing your fellow minions by mistake.

3)You should not expect any gratitude from the baddie. Remember, you are just pawns. You don't have a name, and there are many others just like you.

4)Don't bother the boss monster of your dungeon. It probably doesn't want to be disturbed. In fact, it is under strict orders to kill anything that comes into its room. (Bad luck if you get sent to deliver a message to the boss!) But then again, maybe you don't really need to pay attention to this because...

5)You must not leave the area you are in. The baddie has placed you where you are for a REASON, and leaving the area will probably result in you being vaporised or bursting into flames or imploding or something. Of course, you can move around all you want as long as you stay in your area. This also means that if the hero runs into another room, you can't follow them. Too bad.

6)Again, I don't know why but you shouldn't bleed (or if you do the blood should quickly disappear). I guess it's because the villain doesn't like messy carpets.

Definitely Not's (Strong monsters)

If these apply to you, maybe you should consider a career as a weak monster or a boss monster instead.

1)OK, when I say _strong, _I don't mean _too _strong. Don't get mislead. You shouldn't be anywhere near as strong as a boss monster. Maybe five or six of you would equal a boss monster, but not one of you.

2)Just because you're strong, don't go picking on the weak monsters. If you fight amongst yourselves, you might kill eachother and make it easier for the hero!

3)Don't appear before the hero has gained the necessary ability or item to defeat you. That's just cheating. Of course, you could always stand barring a door to stop the hero going somewhere before they're meant to.

Definitely Not's (Weak monsters)

If these apply to you, have a look at the strong monster specifications. Either that, or go sell yourself to a pet shop, you pathetic excuse for a monster! There's a fine line between being a weak monster and just being plain pathetic.

1)You shouldn't be _completely _defenceless. You should have at least one form of attack. Come on, just one. Not too hard, is it?

2)You should not have any special ability. This includes anything from restoring health to a special attack that *gasp* _actually does some major damage to the hero! _Nope, definitely not allowed.

3)You should not be able to do anything useful like send the hero flying. Remember, you're just there as a minor irritation.

Well, there you go. That's the monster's job summed up for you. Sounds good, doesn't it, especially if you don't feel confident enough for the boss monster.

*Small print* Except for the fact that you are completely and utterly expendable and are only put in the game as a minor nuisance, and so the hero can actually do some fighting.


	7. Minor Characters

Minor Characters

It's all very well being a main character, but some people just don't like that constant attention. Here, we have a list of character types that mean you still get a part in the game, but don't actually have to do anything! However, please note that not all games will have all of these minor characters in.

Shop Owner

Have you always dreamed of owning a shop? Of course, you could just open a shop in the real world but shop owners in video games are cooler. Yes, they are.

Essentials

Just a few requirements to ensure you're a good shop owner...

1)You should say the same thing every time the hero enters your shop. Even if they go out and come straight back in again, just repeat what you said before. Of course, you could always record yourself saying something and then put it on a CD player on repeat so you don't have the boredom of saying the same thing over and over again.

2)OK, merchandise! You should sell stuff that is useful to the hero, but not to anyone else. For example, weapons that only the hero can use, or some totally random object that seems to serve no purpose to normal people but is of vital importance to the hero.

3)Your shop should be clearly labelled. Heroes can sometimes be a bit... silly... and not know where the shop is.

4)You should employ people in the village to say "have you been to _'s shop yet?" when the hero comes to the village. Advertising, it's of vital importance!

5)The hero should be (or at least appear to be) your only customer. However, you should somehow be in no danger of running out of money and closing down. I guess it's not too hard, heroes are usually rich from all the money they steal from dead monsters and will buy some goddamn expensive stuff!

6)Your prices should be either ridiculously low or ridiculously high.

Preferred

These will make you an even better shopkeeper.

1) Some shopkeepers have loads of identical twins (or clones) who run the local shop in each area. They look the same, act the same, and say exactly the same thing to the hero. Either that, or they have an uncanny knowledge of where the hero is going next and a teleport device.

2) The shop should be located in between lots of other buildings that (for some reason) the hero can't enter. Either that or it should be practically the only building in the villiage.

Definitely Not's

Shopkeepers are not allowed to be like this.

1)Umm... well... hey, guess what? There are no definitely not's for the shopkeeper! Anything goes! Lucky you!

It's a fun life being a shopkeeper, selling items to the hero and knowing that you're helping them complete their quest! Imagine the warm glow you'd get from that!

*Small print* Except for the fact that the hero will probably hardly ever be at your shop, and it will probably get a bit boring after a while.

Random Person

Want a role that you can put absolutely no effort into? You could just be yourself, wander round and be a random person! No expectation to do things, no pressure!

Essentials

It's not difficult to just be a random person, but there are some things you need to make sure of first.

1) You must stay in one place, and one place _only_, whenever the hero is around. Sure, you can walk around a little. But think like a monster and stay in your area. When the hero has left the area, fine. You can go where you want.

2) If the hero talks to you, you must say a) either a random piece of trivia about the world of your game, b) a piece of semi-useful information that the hero already knows or c) advertise your local shop or something else. Or I suppose you could say something completely irrelevant. Oh, and like the shopkeeper you've got to say the same thing every time the hero talks to you. Either that or you could have a set list of things to say and rotate them each time the hero talks to you.

Preferred

The extra little things that will get you there...

1) To be honest, there isn't much in the way of preferred traits for a random person. You're not really involved in the story at all, and don't actually affect the game much.

Definitely Not's

There are, however, one or two things you must not do.

1) Going back to essential #1, if the place you stay in is your house then this rule is important. Listening? Alright, you must not be surprised, angry or annoyed if the hero just randomly walks into your house without invitation. Seriously, heroes do it all the time. They just barge into people's houses without being asked. You've gotta be cool with this, OK?

2) Don't try and do anything to alter the storyline. That's very naughty, and I'm afraid that most random people who try to do something like that end up dead.

This is the job for you if you just want to mess around with your mates and be yourself without having to do any of that heroey villainy stuff!

*Small print* You don't actually **do **anything. To be honest, you're only really there as part of the scenery.

Guard

What could be a cooler job than guarding a crucial object to stop the hero getting at it? And the best thing is, you don't even get told off when if the hero somehow gets past you!

Essentials

Of course, there are a few things you need to have in order to be hired as a guard. It's an important job.

1) You must walk a set path, which MUST have a blind spot or be timed just right to allow the hero to get past you. You have to give them a chance, after all.

2) If you spot anyone trying to sneak past you, you must make it obvious you've seen them. This will make them either stop and wait for you to come and get them, or run the hell away (depending on whether or not you have a big scary weapon or something). If they stop, return them to the starting point of where you're going, and warn them not to try again. If they run... well, chase them of course! If you catch them, hurt them and then the same applies; just return them to the starting point.

3) Obviously, you must be guarding something that the hero wants, or be slap bang in the way of where the hero wants to get to.

Preferred

Proper guards are good at these, too.

1) You could have something that distracts or temporarily incapacitates you, allowing the hero to sneak past. Or you could stop to have a chat with your friend or something.

2) There should be areas that you can't see the hero in so they can stop and take a break. For example, there could be a tree which you don't look up in so the hero could climb up there and have a rest.

Definitely Not's

No no nooooo!

1)If you _do _catch the hero in the act, you should not increase security. Just take them back to the entrance and continue patrolling along your route. You're not even allowed to tell other guards to watch out for them. I mean, they're not going to be stupid enough to try again! Even if you _do_ catch them multiple times, don't increase security.

See, being a guard is fun! You don't have to be tight about security, and you don't get sacked if the hero manages to get past you! It's amazing. Sound like the job for you?

*Small print*Of course, you may have to stand out in the rain rather a lot. And I only THINK that guards don't get fired if they let the hero in, I don't actually have any proof other than they all look the same. And you are pretty much guaranteed to let the hero in.


	8. Additional Roles

Additional Roles

As well as the many jobs we have on offer, if you like you could also take on an additional role in the plot of the game! Below is a list of additional roles, the roles they are compatible with and the requirements for each. Of course, you may take an additional role on its own, and not play any other part in the game. I suppose that's allowed.

The Love Interest

Feel like a little romance in your life? You could be the Hero's love interest!

Compatible Roles

Princess, Sidekick, or any of the Minor Characters. Monsters and Boss Monsters are a definite no-no. If you wanted to be interesting, I suppose the Baddie could be a love interest too. It would add a little spice to the game, I guess but bear in mind if you're a Baddie _and_ a Love Interest your "one and only true love" will probably end up killing you, and you might have to kill them several times too. Plus I haven't actually seen any Baddies that are also Love Interests. But you know, it could happen...

Essentials

How do you expect the Hero to like you if you don't have any of these?

1)If you're female, you must be sickeningly girly and/or useless. If you're male, you must either be really hot or something that looks like it was _supposed_ to be really hot, but failed.

2)You should be put in danger at some point, and then the Hero gets angry and rushes in to save you. If you're the Princess, this could be due to your kidnapping so don't bother with anything else.

Preferred

Heroes like this kind of stuff, trust me.

1)You should either have known the Hero for a loooong time, or only just met them during the storyline of the game. Your choice.

Definitely Not's

However, they don't like _this_ kind of stuff.

1) You should not do anything romantic before the end of the game! (Call it motivation. The Hero doesn't get any romance unless he/she completes the game.)

2) You shouldn't ever do anything useful. I don't know why.

Sound like the perfect additional role for you? You're guaranteed a romantic relationship and a happy ending! There isn't usually any competition either!

*Small Print*

The hero usually isn't that hot, and the "happy ending" only applies to the end of the game. After that, there's no guarantee of a happy ending

The Wise One

Do you want to be the Hero's main source of help in the game? The Wise One is the character that gives the Hero help when he/she is having difficulty!

Compatible Roles

Princess, Sidekick, and I suppose any of the Minor Characters. If you wish to combine this role with Baddie, the Hero must not know you are the Baddie right up until the end, when you then laugh at them for their ignorance. Normally however, this role is not combined with any others.

Essentials

Well, as the job title suggests, you have to be wise (or at least clever). But there are some other things too...

1) You must have a large amount of unexplained knowledge about the world you are in. Emphasis on the word "unexplained". This means that the Hero should not know why you know this much. Maybe you have a deeper involvement than you let on, maybe not. It really doesn't matter.

2) This knowledge should be _relevant._ It's all very well knowing the name of every species of plant in the world, but ask yourself one question: Will this be useful to the Hero?

3) Your information should be, on the most part, _correct. _If you go and give the Hero false information, they might not trust you anymore! You may give them a maximum of one piece of inaccurate information per game. At the most.

4) You should be ready and willing to share your vast amount of information with the Hero. However, you should only reveal each piece of information at "the right time" (which is basically whenever the heck you feel like it, and usually way too late.)

Preferred

These are good traits to have for this role.

1) You could have some kind of deep dark secret you're hiding from the Hero. Of course, they should find this out at some point. This deep dark secret could explain your vast knowledge of important stuff, or then again it might not. Your choice.

2) If the Hero needs a specific item, you should never have this item on hand. Alright, you can sometimes, but most of the time you should simply tell them where to find it and then send them off on a dangerous mission to retrieve it. And then when you get back you should tell them that to use it, they need to go somewhere else.

Definitely Not's

No way!

1) You should not provide any actual _physical _help to the Hero. Only information. Oh, alright, maybe you could give them the odd item. Once.

Sound any good to you? At all? Come on, you know you want to. You'll get to be good friends with the Hero... maybe.

*Small print* Except usually the only reason the Hero is friends with you is because they have to be or you won't give them any info.

The One That Always Needs Help

Got a job that needs doing? Or, even better, _lots _of jobs that need doing? Don't do them yourself! Get the Hero to do it for you!

Compatible Roles

Baddie (again, only if the Hero does not know you are the Baddie), Minor Characters... If you wanted to spice things up a little, Boss Monster is always an option. As long as they don't know you're the Boss Monster. Get them to guide you out of the dungeon or something and then attack them. Sidekick, yes. Mostly however, it's a Minor Character.

Essentials

You know the drill. You need these if you want this role...

1) First, and most important. Also, the most obvious. YOU NEED A JOB FOR THE HERO! If you don't have a job, you don't need help so you are not "The One That Needs Help". Honestly, do I even need to explain this to you?

2) You have to have a good reason to get the Hero to do your job. After all, would _you _do someone else's job if you didn't have a reason to? Of course not you lazy slob, you're the one getting other people to do your job. This reason should be either a) you have an item that you won't give them unless they do the job or b) the Hero will not be able to progress until they have done your job. It's not blackmail, it's bribery. Or something.

Preferred

To be the perfect slave driver... umm, person that needs help, you should consider these as well.

1) If you need the Hero's help more than once in the game, your tasks should get harder. Because otherwise what's the point of making the Hero do exactly the same thing again? (Apart from the joy of watching someone else working while you're lazing around on your butt. Because understandable as that is, that's not a good enough reason.)

2) The task you set the Hero should be something completely different to what they would normally do. For example: If they normally fight their way through temples and kill monsters, you should tell them to do something like pick the correct colour flowers for you. Or something.

Definitely Not's

These just aren't allowed.

1) There should be no reason (apart from sheer laziness) why you can't do the task yourself. Don't ask me why.

2) DON'T let the Hero persuade you to do the task yourself! Or I'll fire you.

Lazing around on your backside while the Hero does everything for you? Sounds good, doesn't it? So, why not?

*Small Print* Everybody hates you. Really.


	9. Application Form

Application Form

We have now covered all of the character types. Now, you get to fill in your very own application form! The instructions are simple.

1: Copy and paste the form into a review or PM.

2: Fill it in with your (or your character's) details.

3: Click "send". I'll read them, and reply telling you your character's score! (Which I will have a scoring system of!)

So, go on, have some fun. Fill it in and amuse me (and yourself)! Here's the application form. After that, I will have an example of a good application form, and a bad application form. Fill in as many application forms as you like (PS, there are a lot of questions. You don't have to answer them all, but it might help your character score better!)

General Info

Role you are applying for:

Any additional roles:

Personal Details

Character Name:

Gender (delete as appropriate): Male/Female/Unknown/Both/None/Other (please specify)

Age/DOB:

Species (if an exotic species most people have not heard of, please give a general description):

Current career (if any):

The Bit Where We Ask You Lots Of Seemingly Random Questions To See If You're Any Good

Please describe your appearance:

Please describe your fashion sense and what kind of clothes you like to wear (if any):

Please describe your personality:

Do you have any special/psychic/superhuman powers/abilities? If so, please specify:

Why do you think you would be good at this role? (Or don't you?)

What would you do if somebody tried to kidnap you?

On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest, how evil are you?

On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest, how intelligent are you?

On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest, how strong are you?

How would you go about attacking someone? For example, would you use a weapon or would you attack them with your bare hands?

Are you good at finding things/people?

Do you have any interesting hobbies?

Do you like chocolate éclairs?

What is your favourite animal?

So, that's the form. Now we take a look at what's good and what's bad to put in this form. Underlined is my opinion on their answer, and italic is their answer.

A Good Form

General Info

Role you are applying for: _Baddie_

Any additional roles: _None._

Personal Details

Character Name: _I have no name. You may call me X. _This is a good attitude for a bad guy! Mysterious and antisocial. Or something.

Gender (delete as appropriate): _Male_

Age/DOB: _You don't need to know that._ As I said before, good attitude for a Baddie!

Species (if an exotic species most people have not heard of, please give a general description): _I come from the planet X. That is why they call me X. The X are shaped like an X. _A little lacking in description maybe, but good non-human Baddies are hard to find.

Current career (if any): _I would tell you, but then I would kill you. Because I feel like it, not because I have to. _Ruthlessness! Very good.

The Bit Where We Ask You Lots Of Seemingly Random Questions To See If You're Any Good

Please describe your appearance:

_I appear as a ghostly X, surrounded in flames. _The flames are a nice touch. The X shape... what is this guy's obsession with X? Still, pretty good.

Please describe your fashion sense and what kind of clothes you like to wear (if any): _I need no clothes, as I am perpetually shrouded in darkness. _Nice and sinister. Very good.

Please describe your personality:_ Evil and cold. I am a ruthless murderer. _Exactly how a Baddie should be.

Do you have any special/psychic/superhuman powers/abilities? If so, please specify:_ I can shoot flames from my body, and can shift into any shape. _Good. A Baddie without any special abilities would be rubbish.

Why do you think you would be good at this role? (Or don't you?) _I think I would be good at this role because I said so. If you disagree, you die. _Again, ruthlessness. Fantastic.

What would you do if somebody tried to kidnap you? _I would blast them into a million tiny pieces and scatter the fragments across the universe. _Nice one.

On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest, how evil are you? _666. _Technically not on the scale there, but still. Nice initiative, using the devil's number.

On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest, how intelligent are you? _More intelligent than you, pathetic mortal. _Slightly bigheaded maybe... but all villains are.

On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest, how strong are you? _My power knows no limitations. _Excellent! He thinks he's invincible! 

How would you go about attacking someone? For example, would you use a weapon or would you attack them with your bare hands? _I would simply look at them and they would be instantly destroyed. _With the exception of the hero, obviously...

Are you good at finding things/people? _I can find __**you **__and kill you if you don't hire me. _Once again, excellent ruthlessness!

Do you have any interesting hobbies? _Torturing my minions. _Very, very good. 

Do you like chocolate éclairs? _No. However, I do enjoy blasting them into cinders. _...WHAT? Ok, this answer isn't so good.

What is your favourite animal? _The one that makes the most amusing noise when I vaporise it. _Very good, he didn't actually admit to liking animals.

So, that's a good application form. So now, let's take a look at a bad one...

How Not To Apply

General Info

Role you are applying for: _Princess_

Any additional roles: _None_

Personal Details

Character Name: _Super-Ultra-Kung-Fu-Karate-Warrior-Princess POW! (Princess POW! for short.) _Not a promising start. This name implies _usefulness, _which is definitely not allowed in a princess.

Gender (delete as appropriate): _Female_

Age/DOB: _42 _... A little old for a princess, don't you think?

Species (if an exotic species most people have not heard of, please give a general description): _Human, but I have biologically enhanced to be tough! _Once again, this implies usefulness! Not good!

Current career (if any): _Secret Agent. _Princesses aren't meant to be secret agents, they're meant to sit there, do nothing and look pretty!

The Bit Where We Ask You Lots Of Seemingly Random Questions To See If You're Any Good

Please describe your appearance:

_Jet black spiky hair with bright blue and purple streaks in, and red eyes. I also have several piercings and a tattoo on my shoulder that says "POW!" _... Oh dear. We really don't need a punk princess.

Please describe your fashion sense and what kind of clothes you like to wear (if any): _I like to wear clothes with spikes and chains on them. _As I said before, punk princess? No.

Please describe your personality:

_I am very aggressive, and enjoy beating people up. _Princesses should be sweet and kind! And definitely not aggressive!

Do you have any special/psychic/superhuman powers/abilities? If so, please specify: _I can shoot laser beams from my eyes, and fly. _*Smacks forehead* Princesses aren't supposed to have special abilities!

Why do you think you would be good at this role? (Or don't you?)

_Well, princesses are supposed to get kidnapped, aren't they? I'm a trained escapologist, so I can escape easily! _She doesn't really get this, does she?

What would you do if somebody tried to kidnap you?

_BLAST THEM TO SMITHEREENS! Or maybe I would let them, and then break out and pwn them later. _... Oh dear.

On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest, how evil are you? _Hmm, around 8? _No! The princess is a goodie!

On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest, how intelligent are you? _6 or 7_

On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest, how strong are you? _10000! _Princesses are meant to be passive creatures. They don't fight, and they are very weak.

How would you go about attacking someone? For example, would you use a weapon or would you attack them with your bare hands?

_IMMA FIRIN MAH LASERS! _...

Are you good at finding things/people?

_Nah, but that doesn't really matter, does it? I just torture minions until they tell me where the person I'm looking for is! _*Sigh*. Princesses are not meant to torture things...

Do you have any interesting hobbies? _Like I said earlier, I am a trained escapologist and I am also trained in 6 martial arts. _No no no! 

Do you like chocolate éclairs? _They're OK I suppose... _Well, at least she doesn't hate them.

What is your favourite animal? _My pet doggy Fluffy. He has big claws and big teeth and enjoys eating people. _Oh no, a mentally disturbed princess? Unfortunately, I don't think she'll get the job. 

Scoring System

Once I've given your character a score, you can check it out here!

LEVEL N00B (0 or less points): How the heck did you get a score that low? What's wrong with your character?

LEVEL ONE (1 to 10 points): Sorry, I don't think your character will be hired... they may be awesome, but they're probably in the wrong role! Either that or they just plain suck. No offence.

LEVEL TWO (11 to 20 points): Well, to be honest your character wouldn't be very good at their role. But look on the bright side, at least you're not level one.

LEVEL THREE (21 to 27 points): Looking slightly better. Maybe, just maybe, your character might stand a chance!

LEVEL FOUR (28 to 35 points): Quite good actually. A character like this, well, they might even manage to complete the game they're in!

LEVEL FIVE (36 to 43 points): Damn, your character is looking pretty awesome for the role they're in! Keep up the good work.

LEVEL SIX (44 to 47 points): I'll keep it short: Your character rocks.

LEVEL SUPER-AWESOME-COOL-MEGA-ULTRA-PWNAGE (48+ points): Wait, the maximum score is 47! How on earth did you manage that?

Your turn! I'm all done here! This is the end of the fanfiction, and I hope you enjoyed it. So, go fill out that form!


End file.
